The Manifestation of Love and Excellence

The manifestation of love and excellence. That is now my purpose.

I am now in a state of joy. I once asked the question, "is it possible?" The most interesting thing about that is by just asking the question, I answered it. It is a possibility and now a reality. The sense of bliss comes from the power of love and separation from ego.

Through my life, I've always felt this uncanning feeling of love for others, I feel myself taking on other people emotions. Intense sometimes. So intense that I was moved to tears once.

I recall the second semester of my senior year in high school. It was a Friday night I believe. My friend and I decided to go to the movies but first we went to MacDonald's. She pulled the car into a parking spot across the MacDonalds. Next to us was a guy in his car. He had on rimmed glasses and he was staring into nothingness, eating his sandwich. I do not know what he was thinking of or what mind state he was in for a matter of fact. But I felt this heart splitting pain. It made me hurt bad. I walked away unsure of what to do. I felt a strong impulse to do something.

That event was too perfect for me to just write it off. I sat at the MacDonald's wondering why I felt like that and what I could do about it.

I am happy to be in this moment that I am. When I look back at my life, the journey so far is nothing short of amazing. I know for a fact it will continue in that same path. So tonight, having enough energy to stay awake and read, I decided on a higher purpose. The manifestation of love and excellence. I am not sure how I will go about this yet. But this purpose will guide my every action and decision. I am sure something will be revealed soon. Either way I will wait patiently and fulfill this purpose in all ways that I am capable of.

Marvel

This Day Was Simple and Revealing

I woke up this morning with a burning desire. It was mixed with intense fear. I felt like I was the only man on earth. I AM LEGEND had an impact on me I guess.

The previous night/day was one of the most revealing days/nights ever. It started simply. I woke up, exercised and meditated. I had plans to meet up with a friend from the summer who I used to hit the malls with.

Come around 1, I head out. I felt I look rather good in my outfit. A dazing blue shirt with a black tie, black vest, black jeans and checker vans. I got on the train heading to Lechmere. It was packed. I ended up standing in the stairwell area of the train. I tried my best to breath through the situation. Deep breathing. I arrived at Lechmere, got off the train and headed to the Food Court part of the mall. I gave my friend a call, five minutes later he arrived.

It had been a while like I said earlier but the situation didn't translate that. We were making easy conversation whether by force or nature. We walked around sharing our college experience, stopped once to sit in one of the mall massage chairs. Not worth it in my eyes. We soon decided to leave the mall and go to Copley mall.

Copley mall is a beautiful mall intertwined with two hotels, the Marriot and the Sheraton. We took the train down to Copley. Haven forgotten our jackets in my friend's car, we braved the cold which thanks to global warming was too bad. As we entered copley it was like wow. I ran into two old friends, who sadly I didn't remember the names of. That fact eventually came out. Sad, Sad Stuff. SSS. I am going to use that much more.

We explored a new side of Copley. The hotel sides to be specific. We ended up in a Chapel. Wow are the words to describe the feeling the Chapel exuded. It was so peaceful. The walls filtered out the sound from outside. I felt like I had moved into a new world. Upon exiting, the choas of Copley seemed so calm. It was almost real not the usual hustle and bustle "i don't know anyone here, stick to my own pacK" stuff.

We talked about the feeling of the Chapel, joked that everyone should have to enter into it before entering the mall. But of course I would dare hope for that to be real, thats lawsuits awaiting. We made our way into Barnes and Noble. We came across the book "2012" which we guessed gave the details to the legend the world ends in 2012. If true, we only have 4 years left.

We made our way to the self-improvement section. We spend a good time here. Half joking around and the other sharing ideas and thoughts on the effects of the books, books we've read and such and such. We ended picking up books. He picked up "Blink" and "Power or Force." I picked up "Power or Force" as well. "Blink" talks about instincts and first impression. Fun Fact: People are right 80% of the time on their judgement of others. "Power or Force" talks about ego-death and the stages of human consciousness. Good reads, I still want to finish Casanova's autobiography. I give it a week.

From there we proceeded back to Lechmere. I ran into someone else I knew. That was the fourth time and I met another person later that night. Good day for me. On our way to the train station, we began talking about the levels of consciousness. On the train, I barraged my friend with questions about it. I was so curious.

We arrived back at Lechmere and entered his car with the intentions of dropping me off at home. As we drove, my friend kept talking about an EFT coach, i believe. What the coach does is help someone go back into childhood, pull up repressed memories and "confront" them. This conversation led to us talking about our childhood. We both revealed things from gay experiences to early childhood sexual shit. It is crazy how things happened when we were younger and how it can hold us back later in life. We talked about how several people gained success only after they let go of childhood things that they held on to so tightly that the memories became lost in the subconscious. Life is funny like that.

We ended up making our way to the movies instead. We went in to see National Treasure. The movie was good, every once in a way I got goose bumps when Nicholas Cage made a new discovery. It was my desire to achieve freedom in the "Aha!!" sense.

The movie ended and I took the best piss of my life. He dropped me off and I went to bed about 30 minutes later. The day was amazing. Simple and revealing, My friend received a couple of epiphanies. I just got a lot off my chest and probably released a few demons and blocks in my life. I am thankful for amazing friends as usual.

Much Love
Marvel

"Do You Do This Often?" "Not at 2 in the morning"

The passion I feel for this woman is amazing. The way I met matches that passion in its weirdness, intensity and everything between.

It was a Monday night. I had Poli Sci the next day at 8 am. So I decided to go to bed early aka 10 pm. Early enough. I turn the lights off, expecting my roommate not to be back in the next 2 hours, enough to pass out and not be bothered if the lights are turned on.

My eyes crack open to the light. 11:30 pm it said on the microwave. Shit. I roll around. It turns to 12:30, the lights go off. My eyes start open. I toss and turn. It turns to 2 am. Frustration.

I roll out of bed. Get dress in the dark. Head out. I walk out with no ipod this time.

I walk into the marketplace. Not too many people. I see a girl working. She looks up and smiles. I return the favor. Pretty smile.

I walk into the market and simply didn't want anything. I think to myself, "It's up to you, approach or not."

I approach.
"Hi I am going to bother you." I don't think my smile has ever been better.

I don't recall the words she reply back with. They were most likely "o no problem." I went on to comment on what she was doing, mundane stuff. She kept using big words. Personally at 2 in the morning, big words are not good friends.

I replied back, "You know alot of big words." She went on to give me a quick lecture on how intelligence is constant. To which I simply replied, "Good point."

She kept talking. Kept outwitting me. I found it all hilarious then something hit me. I was a bit shocked.
"Wow to think I would have met you now at this time."

See my brother always told me I would meet my match, intellectual anyway, in college. I've never been the smartest but no one ever really matched me on the overall package you could say. So I was taken aback, she gave everything I threw at her in double folds.

"I am awkwardly attractive to you," I said to her. She gave me an interesting look. "You are pretty no doubt." Here I checked out her breasts which were exposed. Looking back, that was awesome how I didn't flinch. It was like yes you are pretty, BOOBS - check. Moving on. Fun times.

So I sat down. Here something interesting happened. We got on to talk about sports, specifically what we played in high school. She was a basketball player and of course I am a soccer player. We got on to a debate, maybe the fifth of the night about which one was more complex. She claimed soccer was. She gave her points and such, I listened. Then my turn, I rebut. She nods her head in agreement and acceptance of my claim. Then I contradict myself personally. Destroying my argument.

"Hmm I just let you win, never done that before." She smiled at this. By this time, that smile was becoming something I wanted to see again.

We continue conversation. I didn't really know what was happened. Everything was clicking. NO THINKING. It was like all the other times were just prep for this. Weird and awesome at the same time.

I turn my head to see the clock at 3 am. A hour long conversation with no break really. Now that is solid.

I pull out my phone.

"If its my number you want, ain't going to happen," she calmly stated. Yes as you can imagine my face express shock and awe.

"Nothing personal, I just don't give it out like that. But you can have my email."
"Email people still do that," I rebutted. Yes they do. We exchanged emails. About two days later I believe, I emailed her.

"I want to see you again. I would love to continue or rather start a new conversation with you."

We met up for lunch. Once again, conversation was potent. Once again, it felt like the rest were just prep for this. Weird but awesome with a hint of inspiration.

So that was about 4 or 5 weeks ago. We still doing the email thing. It's progressing well and its still feels like everything else was prep. I smile when I think of her.

Can you say jackpot?

I can.
Marvel

It's Been A While Huh

Well it definitely has been. Christmas is in two days, I can't wait. I came close to blowing my account but what else is christmas for, don't say loving.

These past weeks were amazing. All I can say is, I met a woman who took me out of the runt.

It was weird not feeling any desire for women. It was like I had lost a part of myself. I spend the extra time and energy working on some new plans for business, which is looking pretty good. So it wasn't all bad. When i have a good chance and extra time, I'll put the detailed story of meeting her. As for now, I am going to eat my microwaved potato, relax into the couch, love the moment and then watch the Patriots continue a perfect season.

Much Love
Marvel

"Vanity of Vanities. All is Vanity"

There has been something pressing on my mind lately. It doesn't seem to pass through like the other thoughts.

As I was walking through the campus, shielding my body from the frosty wind. The thought hit me as fierce as the wind. I looked up to the sky and was reminded of a quote from the bible.

"Vanity of Vanities, All is Vanity."

It's such a simple quote. In a way, it means nothing really matters. The work, the clothes, the songs, the words, even the friends. Though, that interpretation seems a little harsh.

But in essence, that is the pure meaning. It is simple wisdom. I find that with that thought, it puts things are ease. Life is simple. Life isn't so huge thing that can't be conquered. Life really is meant to be conquered. It's meant to be lived.

That is simple enough. But I've been in moments where that simple wisdom was lost by me. Some moments I stop living life and start fighting it. Trying to mount a flag and claim it as my own, I control it. Fortunately, I never won that fight.

It can be easy to want to take up arms against life. It comes at me sometimes and stabs hard, piercing my skin. It hurts bad. I want to fight, I want to scream, I want to justify myself. It takes good self control not to justify myself.

I've sat in moments that seem anger surrounded me. In these moments, I just wanted to explain, to make them understand why. Maybe they would stop. I try a few times. Fortunately, my explanations were met with more anger.

To be more specific, here is a simple example. I come across people who know me before I ever know them. This situation tends to bring judgements of what and who I am. The judgements tend to be good. Every once in a while, they are bad. They are piercingly bad.

It takes me by suprise when I recieve that reaction. I remember the first few times. I was shocked. In a way, I shrunk into the fetal position like I was just drilled in the stomach. Laying there, I kept trying to explain to them, to myself. Seeking answers.

It took me a while til I realize, what will be, will be. It's ok either way. The tricky thing is in order to disregard the negative reactions, I had to disregard the positive ones as well. It's impossible to take just the positive. It's a coin and all coins are double sided. No way around that.

But the light behind all of this:

"Vanity of Vanities, All is Vanity."

Truly, it doesn't matter. Either way, good reaction, bad reaction. Constantly clubbing or constantly studying. In the end, none of it will be there with you in the grave. No one will be worried about what you are doing, when they are six feet under just like you.

So what now? Just live, just love. Despite what anyone says, just go.

I can't say how much I wish I knew this early. But the past is gone. The future is coming but not soon enough for me to be looking for it. I rather just stay in the present and live. Live through the negative, indulge it all including the pain. Indulge in the love. Simply because, love and pain are vanities.

They are also the indregients of life. So eat up and enjoy it. Live life.

These words are more for myself then whoever reads this thing. O well, thats all for now.

Marvel

Just Go

I am sitting in my room, the lights brightly lit. My eyes are heavy from lack of sleep. My mouth warm from ramen noodles, tasty stuff.

In all there is for me to rant or rave about, I take a step back tonight and sit into myself for a minute. It's peaceful like a wide ocean, slowly coasting under the light of the moon.

So in moments like this when I can feel the calm, explain the calm in words, I indulge in it. So tonight would be no different.

Now you may be wondering what I am talking about. Why do I speak so poetically or rather so nonsensical. Either way, its a question I can not answer.

All I know is, I have search for different answers many times. I stayed in a room for an entire day. I have span the city in a day to find an answer to a burning question. A question that lingers in my mind, wandering back and forth, pacing itself to death.

I once heard the questions we ask ourselves determine the direction we go. Better yet, a new friend I met put it this way -- What we think, what we feel, we are.

Its a silly thought. But in reality, its such powerful truth. There are many complex questions and answers out there. People make a living answering complex things. People sit and yell from the mountain tops when they find an answer. Others come and surround eager to hear this answer. Hoping maybe its better than the last one. Maybe it'll be the answer to all the problems they face.

The words escape the lips of the answer-bringer. The words hit the ears of the listeners. The words flee through the opposing ear. Looks of "that's it." fill the crowd.

In such a mass, you would hope one, possibly one out of them all, would stop the words in their head. Trap them and let them stay a while and settle in. You would hope that one was not to anxious and impatient to not take the time to listen and pick up the words. The simple words to a complex questions. The words that have the power to destroy a question. The power of words.

It doesn't seem impossible that there are no real answers to the burning questions. It doesn't seem impossible that in truth, we know all the answers but we shy away from our own knowledge claiming it as imperfect. Demanding more proof.

Yes we can receive more proof. We can receive enough proof to disprove the answers we first had. We can then proudly say "Ah, I knew it."

Yes you did. Why was there a need for affirmation that you knew it. Why seek external proof or new words to replace the old ones. Truly why?

It's come to my attention that much of searching for the right answer is pointless. You can stand with your keys in your pocket. Then beg the question, where are my keys? Go up and down, run around a few times. Stop and beg the question again, where are my keys?

The answer is lost within yourself. You denied the answer for some reason. Some silly lack of trust in yourself. The silly lack of trust grows into a want of approval and affirmation. It then feeds and feeds then shoots up into a need for approval and affirmation.

The many questions you ask now have answers. You are blind to the truth. The answers are illusions, good ones. Not that good but good enough for you to rationalize them as "answers."

So you do. You now have answers. But with each answer, comes a new question. It's the package. More need for answers, external ones. More need for approval and affirmation.

The spiral of questions and answer grow deeper until you find yourself in a pit, staring up to the sun. Its ray blinding you to the point you aren't sure how deep you stand. So you drop and decide to stop. No more.

You are deep though. Now what. How do you get out? Do you get out? More questions. More questions.

You've learned your lessons though. You are there because of questions. So you shut off your mind. You breathe. Then you explode and just go. You just do it.

No need for question and answer just do. You climb, you climb. The sun still blinding. But you climb. Suddenly you feel the top and you gather your strength and pull. You are out. You are now here.

It doesn't matter what else you've done. You are here. Out. On Top.

What now?

Have you not learned anything? Don't answer, please. Just go. Stay on top. Just do.

Go and do as you will. No need for external. You know what to do. It's there. It's here. So don't ask. Just go.

Marvel

"I don't usually meet people on planes," She said

So the week of giving thanks in finally over. I am now at my dorm, relaxing as much as I can on my wonderful chair.

Looking back on the week, it wasn't anything special. I didn't expect it to be, I am good about burning bridges once I leave a place. All I can take from this week is the return trip and the adventure it held.

I had arrived at the terminal for the flight to Kansas City. I took a seat and surveyed my surroundings. Nothing special. Then comes these two guys sporting Mizzou sweatshirts. I catch eye contact with one of them, he shifts his eyes away. Boredom and curious gave way. I approach.

I had a solid conversation with him, just vibing on the Mizzou game that would be played that night and his frat life. My eyes kept slipping away though as I took notice of a curly hair brunette with a wide smile.

The call for boarding goes out and my new friend was in the first group, so we exchange goodbyes and he heads off.

Now I am seating adjacent to the brunette. I simply want to say something. I get nervous a little, an old feeling resurfacing.

I yelled in my head, "SERIOUSLY, COME ON. GO!!!"

And I did. What slips out?

"Hey do you go to mizzou?" Simple enough. The conversation flows. I am used to holding most of the conversation with new people, but she took the reins and went with it. I wasn't sure what to think. The last time, this happened.. well yea.

So they make a call for our group. We of course aren't in close enough range to continue the conversation so its an exchange of goodbyes.

I get off the plane, pass through the airport and catch the bus outside to get myself to my next terminal. The airport at Kansas City still loses on my scale of fun. I arrived at the security check point. A little complication, especially when there are two versions of my name, the long and short. Yay for me. I go through a little extra security check. Towards the end, I turn to see a girl, curly hair brunette once again.

She was wearing a mizzou shirt. Conversation starter was too easy. As I am walking towards the terminal, she is ahead of me. I call out to her. She stops. The conversation begins.

I actually liked this girl. She would make an awesome friend. She was chill and a great conversation. I think all psych majors are like that. We talked about a range of things. Back and forth, busting on each other slightly.

We finally hear the call for the plane to Columbia. The plane is much to behold. It's small, the kind you hear always crashes. When the plane was ready to take off, the propellors went one at a time. The obscure siren before taxiing didn't help either.

Beyond being on a weird plane, it was still fun. My new friend pulls out a Cosmo and starts reading up on bedroom secerts. I wonder how many secrets there are. Cosmo has about a 100 per issue, pretty impressive to me.

As the flight takes off and the clouds float below us, I turn to see a girl sitting across from me. She seemed bored out of her mind trying to read a book. I couldn't just sit and watch her suffer like that.

We began talking. I was amazed at how into the conversation I was. I just kept going and so did she. Moments of hand holding, randomn hand fives. 40 minutes just went on by. I told her I wanted to hang out with her, the same day. She agrees.

While claiming baggage, we exchange numbers. Plan: call her before the mizzou game so we can watch it together along with who ever else was at her place. Sounded gravy to me. Except, no bags came for her.

We walked out to the airport teller. As she stood in line to figure out the situation, I called a cab. When all was said and done, we sat down and continued talking. I asked how she was getting home. she told me she had a car at the airport. She, apparently, was just waiting for me to get the cab. How sweet.

New plan, cancel cab and go out to eat and she drops me off at the hotel after. She agrees. The car ride was fun, it was peaceful. I was completely infused in each moment.

Even the one where she tells me, she has a boyfriend and asks if it was weird. To which I reply calmly, no. Then proceed to change the subject. The whole boyfriend situation is becoming way too much of familar territory for me. I meet way too many girls who hang around me and yet have boyfriends. I still don't get what thats about.

Anyway, we arrive downtown and walk over to the restaurant. I hold her close to me as we walk while making stupid conversation over cartoons and wrestling. We sit and have a good meal and sweet conversation. More hand holding. Then what I do next, I am not sure where it came from.

I get up and pull her up with me. I make a quick comment about how short she is, she banters back at me. I then put my hands around her legs right below her ass and lift her up, making her about ten feet tall. The look on her face was childlike. I drop her down. Then I kiss her. Yea, what the hell.

She comments about the boyfriend. I give a quick, childlike "I am sorry" and we hug.

The meal ends in laughter and we head back. Once again I hold her close to me. I don't really know why I kept doing that, anyway. She drives me to the hotel. We get out, pull my stuff from the truck. We hug. I tell her I'll call her later. She agrees.

In the back of my mind, I knew that would be the last time I'll see her. I am getting way to in tune to things like this. It's weirding me out a little.

This wasn't the first time I met people on planes or went to eat with someone I just met. Yet it was the weirdest one probably cause it combined the two. Who knows.

It was fun. Another adventure to speak of. I do sort of wonder how I meet cool peope like this at the wrong times so often. O well, thats life. And as I know, there are no rules to it.

Fun times

Marvel

The Moment of Relief From Fear

Fear is a tricky emotion.

It can save you from being killed by a snake or stop you from approaching a girl you find attract. It all depends on the situation.

This generally makes it difficult to figure out when fear is helping rather than hindering and vice versa.

I've put myself through fearful situations before. Some fears came close to crippling me. While others were a hiccup in my step. Yet I still haven't developed a method to devising which fear is bad and which is good.

I sit tonight in my friend's computer room aka my bed for the night. About 15 minutes ago, I faced a fear. It's been following me for what feels like a month. I can't explain how such a fear persists. Most fears are irrational. Maybe this one was.

But it was difficult to tell. It was difficult to make a move in order to face the fear.

Fear keeps you in your head. It keeps you picking apart different situations, solutions and consequences. It really doesn't do much. The overanalyzing. It just haults action.

Yet action is the solution to fear.

As I rode in my friend's "black pearl" over to his house. I hit a realization. Things work out better when one lets go. Lets go of the ego, the fear and the identity of who I am supposed to be and who I want to be.

My friend applaud this insight. Proclaiming it as the pure hard truth.

I felt relief a bit. I also felt that I knew what I had to do.

So I went on to face it. I let good of what I am supposed to be, what I want to be look as and just did it.

I wasn't sure if it did anything to solve the situation. But I don't want to worry about that tonight. I took action.

Fear can be deadly and helpful. Either way, action must follow unless fear consumes you.

Marvel

"We Can Win State, Guys"

I returned to Texas for the week of giving thanks. I get to see my mother finally after 5 months. Fun Times.

In reality, Texas was one of the toughest times I've had. I pushed through it and came out better. One of the episodes that elevated me to a new level of core confidence was my 2 mile run for the soccer team.

It pushed me physically but it was more due to the mental power that allow me to do it. Well here is the story.

"My mind was lost in a whirlwind of things. I had no time to slow down because the moment I did, it would catch up. The fear would set in. I would have to admit that I doubted my ability. I was not about to let that happen.

Four periods later, I laid on the hot paved track, gasping for air. My body was still numb from the run but pain was knocking on the door. My eyes were heavy but my mind kept me awake. I was surrounded by my teammates, looking down at me. I opened my mouth and all I could say was, “We can win state, guys.”

I retraced my steps. I could remember I stumbled across the finish line in 13:30, beating the 14-minute mark. I saw my friend Steven run past me saying, “Come on, Ipalibo.” He had been my rabbit. The whole way round, I stuck to his back.

Constantly trying to read his shirt. All I ever read, “Champions...dare…to try.”
I told myself all I had to do was try and give it everything that was in me. I stood at the starting point as confident players surrounded me. I was nervous as I was walking down to track. I had no reason to be confident.

My heart was pounding as I sat there in my Pre-calculus class, learning new things about circles I never knew. I told myself, “Today is not the same as last year.” My reasoning was true. This is 2006. Last year was 2005 when I saw my defeat.

I kept saying to myself, “Focus. Focus. Focus.” I had to focus. I had received my first stories to cover for the first issue of the newspaper. I needed to get it together and do what I always wanted to do. I took hold of the cookie as I sat next to my friend Liezer in lunch. I was telling him about my plans for the year. He was complaining to me about not being in sixth period soccer. I asked for some of his water, he handed me water along with Gatorade.

I downed water, forgetting to swallow as water was spurted out onto my shirt. The pain had busted through the door. I felt it all in my legs. I knew all my blood had gone straight into my legs. I looked up to see my coach smiling at me.

I wasn’t sure if it was the hug I gave him or how I ran the last two laps in exhaustion that brought a smile to his face. I was too tired to figure it out. My friend Phil along with the school doctor took me into the building. I was still gasping for air. I couldn’t stand fully but I kept trying. I was laid down on the doctor’s bed.

I looked around and took in the scenery. I was on a green, firm single sized mattress. There were other mattresses on either side of me. I saw football players and brigade girls go in and out. One football player had his arm in a sling as he walked proudly through the room. The brigade girls were discussing something I couldn’t pick up on. The doctor came into view. He checked my pulse and affirmed that I was getting better.

I couldn’t help but to think, “I had done it. There is nothing I can’t do now.” This was just another hurdle. The fear was gone. My ability was not in question anymore. My heart was still pounding but it was strong. I laid on the green, firm, single sized mattress and stared at the ceiling. I had founded calm."

Marvel

JUST DO IT... NO NOT SEX WEIRDO

"Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain

You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today

And then one day you find ten years have got behind you

No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking

And racing around to come up behind you again

The sun is the same in the relative way, but youre older

Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time

Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines

Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way

The time is gone, the song is over, thought Id something more to say"

I own the world.

The world is yours.

Take life by the horns.

The last one is the most cliche thing ever. It is simply just cheezy. It is what people probably said in the 70's. It's vintage.

Fucking vintage.

Well its true. Own the damn world.

See I thought to myself many a times. Why the hell am I doing what I am doing? Why am listening to what I listen to. Why do I give a fuck half the time.

Those questions are impossible to answer. There are answers but the truth is....

THEY DON'T MATTER

I hate to live in my head. I did it for several years. I turn from an allstar to some bitch who got talked down to left and right. Then come 7th grade, I decide to change. I decide to change but I don't. I try to. I don't.
Change is instant to say the least. I can keep trying to change. Or I can change.

The times I actually changed. Talking to people, meeting girls, playing soccer like a genius. I just did it.

JUST DO IT

Its that simple. I don't want to preach to you. But I will. I preach like a black priest in a black church in deep south with a back up of 50 choir singers. Yes. I said.

Preaching is that simple too. You just do. Phobias are stupid. Life is easy. Complexity is a stupid excuse to make life "fun."

Simply, just do it.

Change!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

Like a damn zebra who one moment was enjoying some grass and the next moment spotted a leopard, tiger, lion whatever it is.

Cause just like that zebra you don't change, you die. Well maybe not pyhsically but you die, like this. Dead.

No more need to say it.

Marvel

Columbia, One Ticket Please

This is the story of my first time in Columbia, Mo to see Mizzou

"Well then there is much to say about first times and firsts in general. I personally love them. The thrill of the uncertainty, the opportunity to find a new part of myself. But when my first visit to Mizzou started with me missing my 9-hour flight, which included four connections, into Columbia, Mo, I was a little skeptical about this first.

6:30 am It didn’t hit me right away. I laid on my couch for a second. Then boom! I am off to the phone. Screaming in my head, I missed my flight. My brother picked up the phone, barely awake. Soon he became aware of the situation. Panic set in.
I got off the phone just as I told him, “we are going to the airport anyway!” I raced into the shower, popping out to the words “Your mother is on the phone.” My response: who the hell called my mother. No one by the way, she called us. Perfect timing, she is good at that. I let her know about the situation, claiming everything was under control, above her screaming voice.
“Under control, really?”

7:30 am The airline was on break. What the hell? What happened to “we’re here when you need us.”? Granted I never got that promise but their first impression sucked. My brother and I sit and wait. Wait some more. Wait! There they come.
No flights in Columbia, not today at least. How about a standby for Kansas City? Well sure, cause I’ve been to Kansas city, right? Nope, worry. But how can I miss out on this adventure.

12:30 pm I am standing in front of the teller. Overcrowded flights to Kansas City. Next flight: 7 pm. Well sure. Extra $25, it’s worth it. I head home for research.
Greyhound to Columbia from KC at 12:40 am, perfect. Red Roof Inn check in at 3, solid.

9:15 pm Kansas City, baby. So Greyhound it is. Wait, where is the shuttle. Excuse me, miss, the shuttle to downtown. $17, what? Let’s see $55 for hotel, $30 for Greyhound. $0 in my account. Wait, there is always a way.
Taxi, $35. Bus, nope not on Saturdays. Crap, shuttle it is. Overcharge on my card. It’s cool.

10:45 pm Yes, one ticket for the 12:40 bus to Columbia. That bus is full? No way. When is the next bus? 7:15, damn. I guess no choice. Cancel Red Roof inn reservation. Ok let’s find a place to sleep.

7:15 am Wait, fuck that.
I go to talk to the head manager. Sir, I checked earlier…blah, blah, blah. Alright, son, let’s go get you a ticket. Now make sure you stay in front of the line.

12:15 am Paranoid sets in. Maybe lack of sleep.

12:45 am Here he comes to open the door. Come on, come on. Yes. I am in.

1:15 am Ok here we go. Don’t fall asleep. Stay awake to catch the stop.

Some time between 2 am and 3 am What, I fell asleep. Did I miss it? Crap. O cool, cool. Sign says Mizzou 3 miles ahead. Three exits for Mizzou, nice. Wait, what are you doing bus driver? You just missed all three go back. Relax, here is an exit for Columbia.

2:50 am Red Taxi, perfect. How much to downtown? $8, I only have $6 no wait I got $8.

3:15 am That will be $5.40. Really, nice. Ok lets go get a room. All out of rooms, today of all days. Ok, how do I get to Mizzou? A right then another right, ok. Thanks for the map. Let’s see ok we are good. This is right. Nice here comes a car. Hey. She’s stopping. Ok she waved back. Good. Wait where are you going? Who stops then drives off? Granted it was about 3:45 am.

4:00 am OK we are here. What is it with all these squirrels? Crap not a soul around. I need sleep. This bench looks nice, close to the Rec center.

6:30 am Sunlight again. Thank you. Ok lets go find some people. O hey, excuse me. DO you know where I check in to orientation? Well you don’t have to laugh; a no would have been fine.

7:10 am Yea, MUPD please? Yea, send me through. MUPD? Where do I check in? Hudson? OK. Wait, where? Right, Right.

7:40 am Yes Hudson. Check in. Thank you. Here’s the room. Key, doorknob, bed. O hey roommate. Cool, cool. Well bedtime, wake me in 30.

First times are everything. This was no different. The rest of the orientation was amazing. That is for another time though. I still need to catch up on sleep."

It was definitely an adventure. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Marvel

College, is this it? Coked Up Girls and 23 Year Old Lesbians

I don't know what to say to the world today. For the past three days, I felt low energy. I am motivated to relax into my own body. I haven't done anything over the top. No special stories. I feel like I am settling again. I hate that feeling. It is the feeling that I've handed over control to fate. I stab at that feeling with all my might. That feeling is apparently part of human nature, I guess.

And to be fair, the level of energy I've settled at for the past few days isn't that bad. I stil had bursts of energy. At my current energy level, I made a new friend Saturday night while chilling at my dorm. Managed to spend the better part of Sunday night running and laughing around my floor.

My weekend events did not come close to the events my friends in New York and Massachusetts went through. My friend in New York managed to walk into a bathroom where his friends were doing lines of coke. Not the drink, that would just be a serious ass headache. Then he ends up at a girl's house who then procedes to talk on the phone with her ex-boyfriend for 3 hours while my friend sits. Poor fellow. Then at 7 am, after a sleepless night, a coked-up girl offers him sex. He kindly declines.

As for my friend in Massachusetts. He got fucked by a 23 year old lesbian in his hotel room while attending a convention. Need I say more.

One thing I've noticed across the board, there is a general feeling that nothing is being accomplished. College compared to high school is, most of the time, dull. In high school, we go through countless growth processes, phsycially and mentally. There are constant rewards and activities. In college, after all that constant activity of high school, one can be left feeling unfulfilled.

It is a little mind blowing that this semsters ends in merely six weeks. For me, the next two weeks are critical. Political Science paper due in three weeks.

I sometimes wonder what it be like going back home. Being away from home is difficult. It doesn't come from the lack of familar environment but of familar faces and smiles.

This weekend, many of my friends went home. The first time that happened was gruesome. Walking up and down the halls, no one to help distract me from the fact I miss my family and closest friends.

I guess that's why I've kept close to my high school friends. We all relatively deal with the same lost of familar faces and environment.

Simply thanksgiving break can't come soon enough. Though I hope it doesn't come too fast. 5-7 pages of a Poli Sci page doesn't just write itself.

In the end, this whole thing will probably be looked at as something good. The experience of being away from home for so long, 5 months for me now, will have some intrinsic value. Until that time comes, I'll patiently go through each day. One day at a time, dominating the world with a shit-eating grin and striking good looks. It's only fair.

Marvel

Silly Girl, Treats are for... How does that go again?

There are moments in my life where my brain just hurts. Some of these moments include bad tests, jumping in the shower that leads to heading a retractable window. These moments can be simply explained. Stupidity is usually the culprit. Then every once in a while, the culprit is just something random and simply off. And yes, you guessed it, my brain hurt recently.

It begins three weekends ago, Friday night I believe. This like most Friday nights involved three grandiose parties. Each offered a slightly similar experience. For this story, I focus on the second party.

I walked out to the front porch where I noticed the cool air and some chill people. She was down the stairs talking to some guy. Cute in a silly way. She definitely was silly. Short of a minute in to the conversation, we began air arm wrestling. This set a really fun vibe for the conversation. We chitchat and vibe over nothing ‘til she decides to head out. She says goodbye as my phone settles into my pocket, warm with her number.

Move on to a weekend later, the night of my intro to threesomes. The Tb twins have gone by this time. I came up the stairs. I spot a pretty face. Pretty in a silly girl way. My friend is talking to a guy next to the silly girl. I walk over.

“New People!!”

She turns and gives me the prettiest smile.

“I know you.”

“Really?” I reply

She explains the night from the previous weekend. Her name and moments snap back into my mind. I immediately smile. I bend toward her and whisper into her ear for the rest of the conversation. Making sure to clarify the situation with the guy next to her. The vibe seems to carry over form the last weekend.

I walk away from that night, smiling. A solid experience gained and a fun girl who peaked my interest reappears. Fun times.

I shoot her a call the next day. I notice I don’t ever call enough. One or two calls and that’s it. We talk briefly.

I call her a couple more times during the week. Then Thursday night rolls around. With the Red Sox playing beautifully, I pick up the phone. Make the call. It picks up. Clicks just as fast.

A brief wait then I call back.

“Hello.”

An angry, unfamiliar voice replied back at me. Confused, I just kept banter with this girl. I can’t just hang up, that would be too easy. The conversation ends harshly.

I was a little lost on what just happened. I’ve been in some weird situations but this was off the road completely. The only rationale I had. I just got played hard. Silly girl put her friend on the phone to blow me off. That reasoning definitely did not make sense.

I scroll through my phonebook, highlight silly girl’s phone number and delete. It was tough but life happens.

So Monday afternoon lunch rolls around. By this time I have pushed the situation out of my mind in general. I had my tray in hand, waiting for a friend. In case you were wondering, a hamburger with fries and salad. Never fails. She pops out of nowhere. Our eyes lock. She carried a solemn look.
“Did you talk to my drunk roommate?” she asks.

Confusion floods over me again. She goes on to explain her roommate’s drunken night. After this, I couldn’t help but think that giving up this girl now would be stupid. It’ll probably lead to brain pain.

I walk away from her pretty smile, promising to call during the week.

It was a weird series of events. I can’t wait for what comes next.

Marvel

Best Floor Ever: iHudson

I can't say how much I love my floor. From the CA to my floormates it's awesome.

I remember over the summer when many people were looking for roommates, comtemplating whether or not to go potluck. Potluck = randomn choice. I had no doubt, i was going potluck.

I ended up on one of the best floors. Everytime, someone visits this floor they talk about how much they wish they were on it. No day goes by that we don't talk, argue or laugh together.

At the beginning, it was just my wing that was social. Eventually it spread.

This video shows how awesome/weird my floor is.

This was made by neighbor across the hall. There are a couple of people who aren't from our floor that are in it. I make a guest appearance but you have to look hard to spot me. Though, apparently I am in there three times.

Check it out.

Marvel

The Spark

Sparks of life still amaze me. What I've come to realize is life doesn't ever really yield to our wants. We end up having to adapt to it and some people are better at that than others. Though every once in a while life seems into include us in its higher plans.

I experienced something that seem really close to a spark yesterday. I have experienced more than my fair share of these since I've been in college. This adventure like many of others involves a girl.

It began a while back. I saw her in the cafeteria around dinner time I believe. I wanted to meet her. Nowadays thats like "I want to sit down." I don't think I ever had problems sitting though so it may not be completely similar.

I see her sit across the dinning hall. At this time, I didn't have to belief in myself to pull the classic, "Hi, I'm Marvel." So I walk acrosss the hall past where she is sitting into an empty room full of chairs and tables. I guess I wanted to build momentum, physics class finally had some use. I make the swing around. As I draw closer to her, I spot her "playing with her food." All I need.

"You shouldn't play with your food. Think about the kids in Africa." This was when I was into the whole children in Africa thing. Gotta to represent. (Note to self: never say "gotta to represent" ever again.)
"I wasn't playing with my food," she replies.
"Hmm... Well I'm Marvel."
"I think I've met you before," she notes just as her friend arrives at the table. The arrival of her friend and the statement threw me off a bit.
"I really got to stop meeting people. I'll see you around." This is me sort of leaving with my tail between my legs. I did catch her break a wide smile. Nice teeth.

Fast forward to a week later. I am standing at the top of the dorm stairs. Staring out into the cold afternoon, curious for something to fill the hour before the glorious mindfuck aka philosophy. She comes through the doors behind me.

"Hey you going to class," I say
"No, to the library."
"Can I come?" I say this in a "curious child" voice
"Well.."
"It's all up to you."
"I am going with my sisters." I love how girls refer to their sortitory mates as their sisters. Cute doesn't even begin to describe it.
"Cool, then" This is followed by a simple name exchange.
Just as she was walking away, my voice projects out,
"Hey M, for future reference I think you are very beautiful."
"Thank you."

Nothing special, I thought. Further I saw it as bad, sloppy if you will. Nonetheless, something was achieved.

So last night I stumble into the computer lounge. I see M and next to her is my CA's beautiful friend. I end up shooting the shit with my CA's friend. It was a bit weird to me that she was into the conversation, light banter and my curiousity firing off in question form. There was no real background for this. I finally mention M in a silly childlike way.

"O there she is," waving at her one chair away. She return it with a wide smile and complimentary wave.

My CA's friend leaves and I take the empty chair. There was work to be done. Political Science 7-page paper on current political campaign specifically Giuliani and Clinton's view on Healthcare, Taxes and Going Green. But a little diversion first. It was a quick light conversation, as I leave her to her work and begin mine. I try my best not to interrupt the learning process. It's too precious.

I sit researching my paper, confessing my love to the computer in an attempt to ensure a succesful printout. Every once in a while, I finding myself thinking "make something solid happen." After some time, I finish all that I can accomplish which I think includes making that computer fall for me. I get up to leave.

"See Ya."
The spark arrives.
"Hey we should hang out sometime."
With a slick smile, "Maybe," she replies. I crack a smile. Banter time.
"Maybe? From now on we should never answer a direct yes or no to each other, just maybe. The uncertainty will be good for our relationship, it will keep the spice." She is loving it.
"Maybe I will call you," I say as I pull out my phone. Number exchange and vibing ensues. I get up to finally leave.
"O yea, if you get frustrated working just think of me." Her giggly smile solidifies the vibe.

Walking away, I felt a little stunned at what just happened. Too easy or just right? I am claiming the latter. Either way, what I am suspecting as the spark and my own genius occured. It was beautiful as usual.

Marvel

Moments

I ran into an old friend today. Mcd's once again served a purpose.

It fasinates me the immediate reaction I recieve from people who I haven't seen in a long time. Whether the relationship between myself and them paused on good terms or bad ones, the immediate reaction is always the same. A shocking smile, intense and believable. I find myself immediately drawn to this, I give back and intense reflexive reaction. It doesn't matter what happen in the past, all that matters is that moment. So while I can't claim that moment or moments last as long as I would like, I know I wouldn't trade them for anything.

There have been several points in my life that I wished I could relive moments. I am sure I am no different from others. Like others, I can't. It does weird me out a little how many times since I've been in college I wished to relive moments. Either way, I am left to deal with the consequences, usually the hurt or sadness. Every once in a while, the smile or laughter.

I spent a good part of last night watching "Eternal Sunshine" starring Jim Carrey. As I watch his charater run in an attempt to preserve memories which hours before he wanted washed away, I saw myself in him. There were times my mind couldn't take the lost of a friend or the sadness that comes with severe disappointment. Sometimes, I consider being a realist to ease the blow of life's disappointments like others do. I think stop to think about the sweet moments that were inspired by my optimism and love for life. The run back to utter words I couldn't hold in. The laughter at the brillance of my friendships. It doesn't last long, always fleeting just like every other moment. Out of all the moments, few do something special.

They invade the mind, plant a flag that never seems to lose wind. The collection of moments build up a nation that inspires us to dream and create new moments. I know I will never uproot a single flag that has stake a claim upon my mind. It is my history that will continue 'til I die. That thought is inspiring. It lets me know that no matter what one moment brings, there will be many more to come. Each bringing something new and purposeful.

Marvel

Marvel's Intro to Threesomes

This friday was amazing.

It began with me running around my dorm, bored. The smell of booze was coming my way as the hour hand was about to hit 8. I had no means to booze, no need really. All I ever want is to have girls to talk to, as a friend from last night would say, to mac. By the way I hate the term, mac.

Anyway, I make a few calls. I still feel the sweat from playing soccer on Stank field. It still amazes me that I can sweat in cold winds. The dried up sweat was weighing me down. I washed out my face over the bathroom sink as the ringing from my phone on speaker made its rounds. The people that answer were "maybes" and "blow-offs." It was looking to be a lame night.

I moved down the second boys wing in search of my friends, wannabe frat boys who are not too far from it. No answer from inside despite my knocking. I turn to see the door of a acquintance open. I peer in and say hello. He was looking good all dressed up, I soon realized it was his birthday party today. "Yes I got something."

We made small talk, which never feels small just stupid and slightly annnoying. I made a comment about his party, covered it up with a false transition. He disregarded the transition and offered an invite. One point for marvel.

I now had a plan. I wanted to bring along a new friend of mine. Alex. He is a really cool guy from head to toe. It seems all the people from Cali just are. I give him a guy, shoot the shit which in case you were wondering is a higher form of small talk. Just slightly plain and enough stupid, if that made sense.... did it? doesn't matter, I can't hear you.

I give him an invite along. Forgetting I need to secure a ride. "I'll call you back." I head back to the room of my acquaintance soon to be buddy. He was gone but his roomie was there. I don't recall how but it happens that he would give Alex and I a ride. Awesome.

Come 9:50. We are off. We trade stories about drunk and messed up people we've been around. The lephraun who happened to be a missing boy was the best story of all, credit: not me. We arrive. The party isn't anything yet. Alex and I run into Alex's friends. I stand there observing the room as Alex converses with them. We take it to the backyard. Cool night, good weather.

After five minutes of this, it's party time. The masses come.

Fast forward to some point upstairs, two girls standing by themselves.

Hi I'm Marvel. (name intro)
Why are you two by yourselfs?
(shooting shit with a shogun at this point)
Hmm well I am going to go downstairs bye.
(step away, retract)
Hey come journey with me.

And they do. Downstairs, we talk. It is there. I am suprised they didn't pull their hair out with the way they were touching and twirling it. I make a move toward the sexual talk. It begins with sex stories.
Hiralous shit about a turkish guy talking dirty to one of the girls in turkish, leads to my story of my new york weird week and then on to something with a strap that was definitely so bad I must have selective amensia towards it.
I make a joke or two or three about a threesome, which they eat up. At one point, girl coding happens. The looking of each other in the eye. Then I move for group hugs, at one point attempt to kiss both of them which recieve interesting giggles.

It was on. I then made the mistake of moving the party upstairs. Out of isolation. What the fuck. Yea, same thing I said. We seperate and I end up in the mist of a phone flushed down the toliet fiasco. Gave me a good laugh. Then I meet a girl who I met last week but didn't recall until she called my phone and gave me her name. Hmm what does that situation say about me. Please don't answer that.

I then go back to my tricycle buddies. I end up dancing with them and figurign out which one was more into me. We'll call her TB1 and then TB2 was a little more reserved but still interested. They get a call from a drunk friend. They must go. They must go, yet they hang around for 15 more minutes. All of which I treated like it was my 15 minutes of fame. I pulled TB1 into a corner and stated my interest in her and all that good stuff. And then stated my interest in her friend. To which she offer some time with her friend for me to get the number. HMMM what does that moment say about me.

I state my interest in TB2 and TB1 to TB2. That last sentence makes me feel extra special, TB3, TB4, did I mention TB5. Anyway, I get both numbers and felt good. Hugged both. Escalate a little bit with TB1 a little later before she had to go.

They left and I smiled.

Now what does that last sentence say about me?

Marvel

Announcement

So I just got an awesome idea.

I orginally created this blog to document my college experience. I found that most of the time I end up just documenting my thoughts in relation to the events that happen. In order to make sure this blog doesn't become just my thoughts, I am adding a story of the week to the blog.

So starting next week, I will post a story of a day, event, whatever.

That's all for now

Until tomorrow

Marvel

YEP,

hmmm I am not sure what I wish to write about.

well who cares. we'll see what comes next

Marvel

Marvel's first frat night

I missed what seems to be two days.

For tonight, I hung out over at a frat house. They were really chill. There were no "bros" around. Everyone was just hanging out. The soritory girls were fun to talk to, all of them were also chill some were funnier than others.

Well I am too tired to give a solid post of any sort.

So until later today

Marvel

Simple

Identity with my Self.

There isn't much to say today.
Just a smile.
It's simple and straight forward.

Today, like everyday, had its moments

I transcended it.

Simple

Until tomorrow,
Marvel

Life Is Change

My willingness to fail has been flucating lately.

It's been bred into me just like everyone else. Failure is a scary thought. Basing self-confidence on accomplishments and if things are being done "right". I have to let go of that ideal. Failure isn't real, it's all psychological. No one on top will ever tell you they got there cause they never failed. They will probably tell you that their failures got them to their position. It's counter-intuitative but I know I personally always learn more from my failures than my successes.

Still it's tough to let go of that ideal of perfection. The image that society puts out is "it just happens." Either you got it or you don't. This foolish ideal has suppressed some many minds.

Simple question: how did those who got it, get it in the first place?
Answer: they worked for it.

They know there is no magic pill. Life isn't linear. It goes in waves. That's why it isn't possible to be happy all the time. I can enjoy my life in sadness and happiness, for sure. I don't think I always feel good. I do know I will always appreciate what I am feeling or where I am. Why?

Energy. Time. These are the most valueable resources. "Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely." I choose to use my time and energy to grow constantly. Growth can be constant. It's all a mindset.

I recall a paper I wrote in 10th grade, it opened "Sadly so, change happens." I remember my really good friend, amazing guy, making fun of it. I now laugh at that thought. Change will always happen, I can accept it and transcend the surface circumstances and grow because of it.

I trust myself enough that no matter what right or wrong, I'll be better for it. My mindset is "I choose growth."

I realize I am reaching a state of self-awareness. It is becoming more constant. I am letting go of a lot of selfish ideals I adopted to get out of my weak mindsets when I was younger. I am growing.

I am letting go of the measuring of failure and accomplishment i.e. always judging if what I am doing at the moment is right or wrong. I can look back not for long. I notice learning from mistakes is a quick process. It doesn't take overthinking like most people think. A lot of the time the overthinking comes from not being able to seperate emotions out of a situation. Emotions are healthy for sure but I find in the learning process and growth process emotions hinder more often than not.

Until tomorrow
Marvel

Thoughts in mind

Almost went over again.

Anyway today was inspiring. I had real cool text convo with someone the previous night that got me thinking about several things. It is pretty interesting how small things can have huge impacts. So I spent about an hour looking up quotes then cutting and pasting them around my desk and laptop. My favorites are:

The trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.
Hell, there are no rules here -- we're trying to accomplish something
Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

Those three really get to me. I deal with some weird things at times. I end up going inside to figure things out. I always thought that if I had a more consisent father figure, life would be so much easier. I don't know if I am right or if 5 years down the road I will think the same. I just know that at times it is generally difficult to handle situations that I've never been in. I sometimes feel I lack any real principles that a father would have given a son. All I have are the ones I acquired myself. So doubt comes in, I am right.

The only principle that has never been put into doubt: nothing worth while comes easy. I probably stuck to that one the most just because it seems I deal with a lot of things that can easily limit me if I let it. I try to choose growth all the time. Face my fears and never back down in the face of a challenge. It's tough. The eerie feeling I get in my stomach. The doubt that knocks on my mind's door. I can't explain any of it. I sometimes attempt to. I have been trying to just go with it. Knowing in the end, I'll be better for it.

I guess in the end, things will resolve themselves somehow. I make mistakes, I will end up making many more. That is the price of constantly pushing ahead and choosing greatness over medicrioty. I am no where near greatness. I see faults in myself everyday. Tough way to live. I feel like something I should strive for is positivity. So I am going to take the positivity challenge. '
Rule
Only positive thoughts for the next ten days
If I entertain any negative thoughts for more than two seconds, I have to start all over completely again.
To make it tougher, no self-defeating thoughts, no bad mouthing anyone.

Well those last two wouldn't be too hard really. So it begins now. It should be fun. It will be fun.

Until tomorrow

Marvel

Drama and Challenge

Damn so I am about 50 minutes off.

O well

Ok so, today was intense. From 2 am in the morning, its been drama filled. I am not even sure where to begin. Things keep happening and coming out the wood works.

It seems the moment I am come to the realization. Life throws me all these challenges.

At one point around 3 am, I was so fucking confused. There I was on the phone hearing things that were confusing the hell out of me. At 3 am isn't no time for someone to handle anything beyond a five word sentence.

I pulled myself together and got to bed. The actually morning comes around and things get resolved some how.
The only thing I really care about is I was able to talk to my friend in florida today. We had a good conversation. It is always fun to touch base and see where we are and how things are going.

Some funny things on both ends that we can just laugh about. Overall I can't say there was anything wrong with today or rather yesterday. I end up cancelling my japanese tutor by accident but other than that it was a good day. Yes, that includes the drama. It just helped me grow as a man. I want more challenges.

Until later today

Marvel

An End Worth The Means

It has become apparent to me over the last couple of days that something is off.

I can't say what but I feel the breakthrough coming. I have reach this moment before. It is the brick wall on the path. The path behind it is smooth and fine. The brick wall is there to determine if I deserve the path. DO I fall flat and give up or DO I push on?

One of the things I've strived to be is a leader. A great one. I must say it is one of the hardest things to do.

I have noticed alot of guys who have great potential for leadership. Some are even leaders now. It seems that at my age to be a leader involves the wrong things. A leader is the head of the group and represents everything said group stands for. At my age, a group of similar age kids have a lot of stupid things in mind. Things I don't align with.

I have always wondered why I find it so hard to fit into any group. I sometimes thought it had to do with the fact that I don't like being a follower. But that would be wrong. I know I used to follow my best friend around. And I loved hanging out with him and letting him lead. So when I go back and think about it. I followed him around because he had something I wanted or at least he stood for something I wanted to stand for too.

The simple thing there is that is just a two person group. Now what about a five person group. Also, in my opinion, that group style I had with my friend wasn't good. It involved dependence rather than interdependce. Interdependence is independent people coming together for a common cause. They know that they don't need each other but it wouldn't hurt to align with one another.

I simply want to be the leader of a group of independent guys. But once again it is a diffucult thing to find, truly independent guys with solid sense of selfs and personality at my age. Also let's not forget the fact that I am not at that level of self yet. I feel it's close though. I feel the change coming.

I trust that when I become the man I truly want to be. A man who is centered, knows who he is fully and powerful within himself. People will notice and the right guys will align with me.

These ideas are basics. Yet to me, they are powerful. I am still on my way to being the man I wish to be. I am constantly striving towards that goal. I believe that once I am there, the right leadership role will come. It is a slow process. All transformations/evolutions are. Nonetheless it is a process worth the ends.

I just have to rememeber to focus on the present. Gain intense presence which is no easy task. Once again it is a means that is worth its ends.

Until tommorrow,

Marvel

Who am I?

Ok so last night was a flurry of emotion.

I realize that I don't really know who I am. My identity. I asked myself "who am i?" All I could say was "I am a young beautiful man." That is such a simple identity. It isn't strong enough to hold up against certain things. I realize that some times I become reactive. So I decide to figure out who I am.

So the question is who am I?

I am a student of life.
I am a teacher.
I am a friend
I am a family member.
I am a writer.
I am a listener.
I am positive.
I am self-aware.
I am powerful within myself.
I am a socializer.
I am a human being.
I am a man.
I am a soccer fan.
I am a dreamer.
I am an explorer.
I am a fighter.
I am evolving.
I am a worker
I am Marvel.

I am still very young so that explains why I found it hard at some points to figure out who I am exactly. I sometimes forget where I am in life. It messes with my mind how much I have changed. How my identity transformed over the years. More thoughts and answers to "who am I" keep popping into my head. I doubt I can ever list all of them. My identity is flexible. I changes over time. The evolution is non stop which is simply the natural way of life. As for now, I am done. So until tomorrow.

Marvel

The Realization

Today, I came to a point of realization.

It wasn't anything more than a simple thought, an insight. I realized I have to get back to my growth in full. I went off the path a little. Yes, I;ve been getting better with girls and everything but it hasn't been coming from a place of drive. It's just been happening. Yes, it is a result of the previous work I've put in but I can't settle. I am no where near my goal.

I sat and thought about where I am heading. It was at around 12:30 am that I knew once again. My goal: writer/designer for the London Based GQ magazine. That is a long way ahead for sure. But just knowing that, knowing I have somewhere I wish to go is enough. I know full well that on my way there I will add more goals, learn more things, adapt my personality and such. And yes, when I get there, there be another thing I want to accomplish. For some, this would be stupid. "Just live," I hear it in my head now. I am down to just live and enjoy life but not without a purpose. I know I am not who I am today due to just living. I had a goal. I know that I wouldn't trade those tough times that got me here for anything.

It's all very small. The changes are slow and steady. It's only every once in a while that abrupt and intense change occurs. Most people spend more of their time worrying about how hard the path will be, how long it will be. There is a simple quote that distill all those excuses.

"Every journey begins with the first step."

It's so easy to stand there, complaining about how long the walk to the store will be and how much time it will take. I've come to realize the more I complain about the situations, the longer anything takes.

Excuses are so useful for just living. Excuses allow you to rationalize anything you want. I can find an excuse to not go to class for the rest of the day. I can find an excuse to drop out of school. It's as easy as focusing my thoughts on the negative. I can't do that to myself, I wouldn't let myself do that. I know the world is full of opportunity. I rather not limit myself with negative thoughts and bullshit when the world already does a fine job of that.

It is with that that I list my goals for the rest of the year. And already excuses have starting creeping into my head. Nonetheless, I choose what I focus on.
Here are the goals...

Write every day on this blog, no matter what time or how long or how tired I am
Work out every other day at the recreational center
Live life with purpose
Make choices and face all fears
Work hard in school as in studying everyday for at least an hour (def more than that anyway)


These are really simple and some are kind of vague. Nonetheless they are goals, hence a start.

So until tomorrow, I give my love.

Marvel

From Columbia to Russia and Back with Love

The night was young. 7 p.m. to be exact. A new friday night, hence new potential for adventure and dismay. I made my round of calls, "hey what you up to tonight?" "hit me up if anything comes up for you." Solid calls, nothing serious. But I've never been one to have someone make my fun for me. I go out and make it myself. So I moblized.

Up and down the floor I went, the blue fest was in town. And I was dead sure it be a good time even if we didn't end up seeing those protesters who wanted women deported. A key claim of theirs, "About 98% of criminals are birth by women, that is almost half." How can one doubt sure a strong claim.

It ends up, I am heading down to the blues fest with six others. Cutting into the main streets, moving smoothly through a crowd of eager hippies and the occassional old people who want to rock, it out.

We end up about 15 feet from the speakers, anticipating the main artist from the soundtrack of "O brother where art thou." Beautiful movie which, as I found out sometime during the night, is based on the odessesy. We were about to be blown away by "21st century blues." Yes, the fuse of blues and rap. I now wonder how that was not enough to have me stepping away and to Chipotle right when I heard its definition.

It didn't disappoint my expectation. From the drum-syncing to the ever eager DJ, to the phat rhymes that were laid over blues beats, it was all something I can't begin to explain. All i know I just wanted out.

The night didn't die there. After the Chipolte run, we, and when I say we I mean me and my two friends left over which later became me and my friend mike, came back to "The North Mississippi All-Stars." With a name like that, I shouldn't have been suprised when they came out straight jamming. It was amazing. The sound filled the air.

I want to proclaim the heavens felt the energy there. The humid air was washed away by a cool breeze. The drunks seem to just have that extra special "I am a dumbass."
Mike and I left feeling lifted. I know I was enjoying my night, thinking of how life can be so powerful in such simple ways.

My phone rocked out as my friend called me. "Yea just meet me in front of Hudson."

Then as if I needed any more proof of how uplifting life can be, I got some. Jordan came out of no where. Her long wavy hair glowed under the timid light post. Her energy, ever present and as usual silly, took hold of me while we held hands, running so she couldn't miss her bus to walmart. (Mind you, at 11:30 at night, the brillance of wal-mart. She wasn't the last person I saw with wal-mart in mind.)

The moment found it's sweetness and charm in its briefness and unexpectancy. One of many moments through the night that found suit.

I get a call from my a new friend, aka facebook friend, called Fru. Fru tells me he was about to watch a movie with his friends and I should come by. I couldn't miss out on hanging out with the guy, he was simply too fun on facebook. I end up heading over with Matt, Mike decided to stay back.

We meet Fru in front of the dorm, roll in shooting the shit. We end up on the third floor, Fru rapidly introducing me to his friends and re-introducing. It doesn't take long but soon I feel like I am in a little bit of a soap. I can be stupid at times, silly stupid. Just enough to hurt someone's feelings but not enough where anyone will call me out on it unless they really just don't like me hardcore. But i called myself out on it anyway, apologized. Completely disregard that Fru had noticed my antics around campus and now viewed me as a pimp, or as I see it the dilemma of my life.

Everything seems to recovered, the movie flops. Interest in the movie is gone, matt and i say our goodbyes and head outside. We meet two girls, russian model-looking girl and dare I say the best cockblock ever. They were both hot but i had eyes on the russian. I shoot the shit with them, alot of banter and cocky words were thrown around. We slipt ways pretty quickly. I had a feeling I would see them again.

And life did not fail. They were strutting down the hall of my dorm, I motion for them to let me in, tho I could have let in myself but what fun is that. The cockblock, fine girl she was, was off quickly as so as I was in. The russian stayed long enough, 15 seconds, for me to get a kiss. Moist lips always get me, I just don't know why.

I took that kiss as the crowning achievement of my night. The momentum of the night kept building. I just sat outside with three close friends and about 15 new ones who came in and out. I got a lunch date and a sunday date. Found out some girl likes me, realized how fun life can be.

It all came to a good ending as I barrelled in to my friends room down my hall. Sitting, laughing, and enjoying the moment. My friends and I knocked out another friday night, the third one of many to come.
I personally felt that I have once again proofed nothing is impossible, life is what you make it and we all are just looking to enjoy life. Wheter in college or not, we all seek the collegiate experience.

I found mine last night, and so today is a new day. Another experience awaits as I am off to IHOP.

The experience moves on...