Just Go

I am sitting in my room, the lights brightly lit. My eyes are heavy from lack of sleep. My mouth warm from ramen noodles, tasty stuff.

In all there is for me to rant or rave about, I take a step back tonight and sit into myself for a minute. It's peaceful like a wide ocean, slowly coasting under the light of the moon.

So in moments like this when I can feel the calm, explain the calm in words, I indulge in it. So tonight would be no different.

Now you may be wondering what I am talking about. Why do I speak so poetically or rather so nonsensical. Either way, its a question I can not answer.

All I know is, I have search for different answers many times. I stayed in a room for an entire day. I have span the city in a day to find an answer to a burning question. A question that lingers in my mind, wandering back and forth, pacing itself to death.

I once heard the questions we ask ourselves determine the direction we go. Better yet, a new friend I met put it this way -- What we think, what we feel, we are.

Its a silly thought. But in reality, its such powerful truth. There are many complex questions and answers out there. People make a living answering complex things. People sit and yell from the mountain tops when they find an answer. Others come and surround eager to hear this answer. Hoping maybe its better than the last one. Maybe it'll be the answer to all the problems they face.

The words escape the lips of the answer-bringer. The words hit the ears of the listeners. The words flee through the opposing ear. Looks of "that's it." fill the crowd.

In such a mass, you would hope one, possibly one out of them all, would stop the words in their head. Trap them and let them stay a while and settle in. You would hope that one was not to anxious and impatient to not take the time to listen and pick up the words. The simple words to a complex questions. The words that have the power to destroy a question. The power of words.

It doesn't seem impossible that there are no real answers to the burning questions. It doesn't seem impossible that in truth, we know all the answers but we shy away from our own knowledge claiming it as imperfect. Demanding more proof.

Yes we can receive more proof. We can receive enough proof to disprove the answers we first had. We can then proudly say "Ah, I knew it."

Yes you did. Why was there a need for affirmation that you knew it. Why seek external proof or new words to replace the old ones. Truly why?

It's come to my attention that much of searching for the right answer is pointless. You can stand with your keys in your pocket. Then beg the question, where are my keys? Go up and down, run around a few times. Stop and beg the question again, where are my keys?

The answer is lost within yourself. You denied the answer for some reason. Some silly lack of trust in yourself. The silly lack of trust grows into a want of approval and affirmation. It then feeds and feeds then shoots up into a need for approval and affirmation.

The many questions you ask now have answers. You are blind to the truth. The answers are illusions, good ones. Not that good but good enough for you to rationalize them as "answers."

So you do. You now have answers. But with each answer, comes a new question. It's the package. More need for answers, external ones. More need for approval and affirmation.

The spiral of questions and answer grow deeper until you find yourself in a pit, staring up to the sun. Its ray blinding you to the point you aren't sure how deep you stand. So you drop and decide to stop. No more.

You are deep though. Now what. How do you get out? Do you get out? More questions. More questions.

You've learned your lessons though. You are there because of questions. So you shut off your mind. You breathe. Then you explode and just go. You just do it.

No need for question and answer just do. You climb, you climb. The sun still blinding. But you climb. Suddenly you feel the top and you gather your strength and pull. You are out. You are now here.

It doesn't matter what else you've done. You are here. Out. On Top.

What now?

Have you not learned anything? Don't answer, please. Just go. Stay on top. Just do.

Go and do as you will. No need for external. You know what to do. It's there. It's here. So don't ask. Just go.

Marvel

"I don't usually meet people on planes," She said

So the week of giving thanks in finally over. I am now at my dorm, relaxing as much as I can on my wonderful chair.

Looking back on the week, it wasn't anything special. I didn't expect it to be, I am good about burning bridges once I leave a place. All I can take from this week is the return trip and the adventure it held.

I had arrived at the terminal for the flight to Kansas City. I took a seat and surveyed my surroundings. Nothing special. Then comes these two guys sporting Mizzou sweatshirts. I catch eye contact with one of them, he shifts his eyes away. Boredom and curious gave way. I approach.

I had a solid conversation with him, just vibing on the Mizzou game that would be played that night and his frat life. My eyes kept slipping away though as I took notice of a curly hair brunette with a wide smile.

The call for boarding goes out and my new friend was in the first group, so we exchange goodbyes and he heads off.

Now I am seating adjacent to the brunette. I simply want to say something. I get nervous a little, an old feeling resurfacing.

I yelled in my head, "SERIOUSLY, COME ON. GO!!!"

And I did. What slips out?

"Hey do you go to mizzou?" Simple enough. The conversation flows. I am used to holding most of the conversation with new people, but she took the reins and went with it. I wasn't sure what to think. The last time, this happened.. well yea.

So they make a call for our group. We of course aren't in close enough range to continue the conversation so its an exchange of goodbyes.

I get off the plane, pass through the airport and catch the bus outside to get myself to my next terminal. The airport at Kansas City still loses on my scale of fun. I arrived at the security check point. A little complication, especially when there are two versions of my name, the long and short. Yay for me. I go through a little extra security check. Towards the end, I turn to see a girl, curly hair brunette once again.

She was wearing a mizzou shirt. Conversation starter was too easy. As I am walking towards the terminal, she is ahead of me. I call out to her. She stops. The conversation begins.

I actually liked this girl. She would make an awesome friend. She was chill and a great conversation. I think all psych majors are like that. We talked about a range of things. Back and forth, busting on each other slightly.

We finally hear the call for the plane to Columbia. The plane is much to behold. It's small, the kind you hear always crashes. When the plane was ready to take off, the propellors went one at a time. The obscure siren before taxiing didn't help either.

Beyond being on a weird plane, it was still fun. My new friend pulls out a Cosmo and starts reading up on bedroom secerts. I wonder how many secrets there are. Cosmo has about a 100 per issue, pretty impressive to me.

As the flight takes off and the clouds float below us, I turn to see a girl sitting across from me. She seemed bored out of her mind trying to read a book. I couldn't just sit and watch her suffer like that.

We began talking. I was amazed at how into the conversation I was. I just kept going and so did she. Moments of hand holding, randomn hand fives. 40 minutes just went on by. I told her I wanted to hang out with her, the same day. She agrees.

While claiming baggage, we exchange numbers. Plan: call her before the mizzou game so we can watch it together along with who ever else was at her place. Sounded gravy to me. Except, no bags came for her.

We walked out to the airport teller. As she stood in line to figure out the situation, I called a cab. When all was said and done, we sat down and continued talking. I asked how she was getting home. she told me she had a car at the airport. She, apparently, was just waiting for me to get the cab. How sweet.

New plan, cancel cab and go out to eat and she drops me off at the hotel after. She agrees. The car ride was fun, it was peaceful. I was completely infused in each moment.

Even the one where she tells me, she has a boyfriend and asks if it was weird. To which I reply calmly, no. Then proceed to change the subject. The whole boyfriend situation is becoming way too much of familar territory for me. I meet way too many girls who hang around me and yet have boyfriends. I still don't get what thats about.

Anyway, we arrive downtown and walk over to the restaurant. I hold her close to me as we walk while making stupid conversation over cartoons and wrestling. We sit and have a good meal and sweet conversation. More hand holding. Then what I do next, I am not sure where it came from.

I get up and pull her up with me. I make a quick comment about how short she is, she banters back at me. I then put my hands around her legs right below her ass and lift her up, making her about ten feet tall. The look on her face was childlike. I drop her down. Then I kiss her. Yea, what the hell.

She comments about the boyfriend. I give a quick, childlike "I am sorry" and we hug.

The meal ends in laughter and we head back. Once again I hold her close to me. I don't really know why I kept doing that, anyway. She drives me to the hotel. We get out, pull my stuff from the truck. We hug. I tell her I'll call her later. She agrees.

In the back of my mind, I knew that would be the last time I'll see her. I am getting way to in tune to things like this. It's weirding me out a little.

This wasn't the first time I met people on planes or went to eat with someone I just met. Yet it was the weirdest one probably cause it combined the two. Who knows.

It was fun. Another adventure to speak of. I do sort of wonder how I meet cool peope like this at the wrong times so often. O well, thats life. And as I know, there are no rules to it.

Fun times

Marvel

The Moment of Relief From Fear

Fear is a tricky emotion.

It can save you from being killed by a snake or stop you from approaching a girl you find attract. It all depends on the situation.

This generally makes it difficult to figure out when fear is helping rather than hindering and vice versa.

I've put myself through fearful situations before. Some fears came close to crippling me. While others were a hiccup in my step. Yet I still haven't developed a method to devising which fear is bad and which is good.

I sit tonight in my friend's computer room aka my bed for the night. About 15 minutes ago, I faced a fear. It's been following me for what feels like a month. I can't explain how such a fear persists. Most fears are irrational. Maybe this one was.

But it was difficult to tell. It was difficult to make a move in order to face the fear.

Fear keeps you in your head. It keeps you picking apart different situations, solutions and consequences. It really doesn't do much. The overanalyzing. It just haults action.

Yet action is the solution to fear.

As I rode in my friend's "black pearl" over to his house. I hit a realization. Things work out better when one lets go. Lets go of the ego, the fear and the identity of who I am supposed to be and who I want to be.

My friend applaud this insight. Proclaiming it as the pure hard truth.

I felt relief a bit. I also felt that I knew what I had to do.

So I went on to face it. I let good of what I am supposed to be, what I want to be look as and just did it.

I wasn't sure if it did anything to solve the situation. But I don't want to worry about that tonight. I took action.

Fear can be deadly and helpful. Either way, action must follow unless fear consumes you.

Marvel

"We Can Win State, Guys"

I returned to Texas for the week of giving thanks. I get to see my mother finally after 5 months. Fun Times.

In reality, Texas was one of the toughest times I've had. I pushed through it and came out better. One of the episodes that elevated me to a new level of core confidence was my 2 mile run for the soccer team.

It pushed me physically but it was more due to the mental power that allow me to do it. Well here is the story.

"My mind was lost in a whirlwind of things. I had no time to slow down because the moment I did, it would catch up. The fear would set in. I would have to admit that I doubted my ability. I was not about to let that happen.

Four periods later, I laid on the hot paved track, gasping for air. My body was still numb from the run but pain was knocking on the door. My eyes were heavy but my mind kept me awake. I was surrounded by my teammates, looking down at me. I opened my mouth and all I could say was, “We can win state, guys.”

I retraced my steps. I could remember I stumbled across the finish line in 13:30, beating the 14-minute mark. I saw my friend Steven run past me saying, “Come on, Ipalibo.” He had been my rabbit. The whole way round, I stuck to his back.

Constantly trying to read his shirt. All I ever read, “Champions...dare…to try.”
I told myself all I had to do was try and give it everything that was in me. I stood at the starting point as confident players surrounded me. I was nervous as I was walking down to track. I had no reason to be confident.

My heart was pounding as I sat there in my Pre-calculus class, learning new things about circles I never knew. I told myself, “Today is not the same as last year.” My reasoning was true. This is 2006. Last year was 2005 when I saw my defeat.

I kept saying to myself, “Focus. Focus. Focus.” I had to focus. I had received my first stories to cover for the first issue of the newspaper. I needed to get it together and do what I always wanted to do. I took hold of the cookie as I sat next to my friend Liezer in lunch. I was telling him about my plans for the year. He was complaining to me about not being in sixth period soccer. I asked for some of his water, he handed me water along with Gatorade.

I downed water, forgetting to swallow as water was spurted out onto my shirt. The pain had busted through the door. I felt it all in my legs. I knew all my blood had gone straight into my legs. I looked up to see my coach smiling at me.

I wasn’t sure if it was the hug I gave him or how I ran the last two laps in exhaustion that brought a smile to his face. I was too tired to figure it out. My friend Phil along with the school doctor took me into the building. I was still gasping for air. I couldn’t stand fully but I kept trying. I was laid down on the doctor’s bed.

I looked around and took in the scenery. I was on a green, firm single sized mattress. There were other mattresses on either side of me. I saw football players and brigade girls go in and out. One football player had his arm in a sling as he walked proudly through the room. The brigade girls were discussing something I couldn’t pick up on. The doctor came into view. He checked my pulse and affirmed that I was getting better.

I couldn’t help but to think, “I had done it. There is nothing I can’t do now.” This was just another hurdle. The fear was gone. My ability was not in question anymore. My heart was still pounding but it was strong. I laid on the green, firm, single sized mattress and stared at the ceiling. I had founded calm."

Marvel

JUST DO IT... NO NOT SEX WEIRDO

"Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain

You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today

And then one day you find ten years have got behind you

No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking

And racing around to come up behind you again

The sun is the same in the relative way, but youre older

Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time

Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines

Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way

The time is gone, the song is over, thought Id something more to say"

I own the world.

The world is yours.

Take life by the horns.

The last one is the most cliche thing ever. It is simply just cheezy. It is what people probably said in the 70's. It's vintage.

Fucking vintage.

Well its true. Own the damn world.

See I thought to myself many a times. Why the hell am I doing what I am doing? Why am listening to what I listen to. Why do I give a fuck half the time.

Those questions are impossible to answer. There are answers but the truth is....

THEY DON'T MATTER

I hate to live in my head. I did it for several years. I turn from an allstar to some bitch who got talked down to left and right. Then come 7th grade, I decide to change. I decide to change but I don't. I try to. I don't.
Change is instant to say the least. I can keep trying to change. Or I can change.

The times I actually changed. Talking to people, meeting girls, playing soccer like a genius. I just did it.

JUST DO IT

Its that simple. I don't want to preach to you. But I will. I preach like a black priest in a black church in deep south with a back up of 50 choir singers. Yes. I said.

Preaching is that simple too. You just do. Phobias are stupid. Life is easy. Complexity is a stupid excuse to make life "fun."

Simply, just do it.

Change!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

Like a damn zebra who one moment was enjoying some grass and the next moment spotted a leopard, tiger, lion whatever it is.

Cause just like that zebra you don't change, you die. Well maybe not pyhsically but you die, like this. Dead.

No more need to say it.

Marvel

Columbia, One Ticket Please

This is the story of my first time in Columbia, Mo to see Mizzou

"Well then there is much to say about first times and firsts in general. I personally love them. The thrill of the uncertainty, the opportunity to find a new part of myself. But when my first visit to Mizzou started with me missing my 9-hour flight, which included four connections, into Columbia, Mo, I was a little skeptical about this first.

6:30 am It didn’t hit me right away. I laid on my couch for a second. Then boom! I am off to the phone. Screaming in my head, I missed my flight. My brother picked up the phone, barely awake. Soon he became aware of the situation. Panic set in.
I got off the phone just as I told him, “we are going to the airport anyway!” I raced into the shower, popping out to the words “Your mother is on the phone.” My response: who the hell called my mother. No one by the way, she called us. Perfect timing, she is good at that. I let her know about the situation, claiming everything was under control, above her screaming voice.
“Under control, really?”

7:30 am The airline was on break. What the hell? What happened to “we’re here when you need us.”? Granted I never got that promise but their first impression sucked. My brother and I sit and wait. Wait some more. Wait! There they come.
No flights in Columbia, not today at least. How about a standby for Kansas City? Well sure, cause I’ve been to Kansas city, right? Nope, worry. But how can I miss out on this adventure.

12:30 pm I am standing in front of the teller. Overcrowded flights to Kansas City. Next flight: 7 pm. Well sure. Extra $25, it’s worth it. I head home for research.
Greyhound to Columbia from KC at 12:40 am, perfect. Red Roof Inn check in at 3, solid.

9:15 pm Kansas City, baby. So Greyhound it is. Wait, where is the shuttle. Excuse me, miss, the shuttle to downtown. $17, what? Let’s see $55 for hotel, $30 for Greyhound. $0 in my account. Wait, there is always a way.
Taxi, $35. Bus, nope not on Saturdays. Crap, shuttle it is. Overcharge on my card. It’s cool.

10:45 pm Yes, one ticket for the 12:40 bus to Columbia. That bus is full? No way. When is the next bus? 7:15, damn. I guess no choice. Cancel Red Roof inn reservation. Ok let’s find a place to sleep.

7:15 am Wait, fuck that.
I go to talk to the head manager. Sir, I checked earlier…blah, blah, blah. Alright, son, let’s go get you a ticket. Now make sure you stay in front of the line.

12:15 am Paranoid sets in. Maybe lack of sleep.

12:45 am Here he comes to open the door. Come on, come on. Yes. I am in.

1:15 am Ok here we go. Don’t fall asleep. Stay awake to catch the stop.

Some time between 2 am and 3 am What, I fell asleep. Did I miss it? Crap. O cool, cool. Sign says Mizzou 3 miles ahead. Three exits for Mizzou, nice. Wait, what are you doing bus driver? You just missed all three go back. Relax, here is an exit for Columbia.

2:50 am Red Taxi, perfect. How much to downtown? $8, I only have $6 no wait I got $8.

3:15 am That will be $5.40. Really, nice. Ok lets go get a room. All out of rooms, today of all days. Ok, how do I get to Mizzou? A right then another right, ok. Thanks for the map. Let’s see ok we are good. This is right. Nice here comes a car. Hey. She’s stopping. Ok she waved back. Good. Wait where are you going? Who stops then drives off? Granted it was about 3:45 am.

4:00 am OK we are here. What is it with all these squirrels? Crap not a soul around. I need sleep. This bench looks nice, close to the Rec center.

6:30 am Sunlight again. Thank you. Ok lets go find some people. O hey, excuse me. DO you know where I check in to orientation? Well you don’t have to laugh; a no would have been fine.

7:10 am Yea, MUPD please? Yea, send me through. MUPD? Where do I check in? Hudson? OK. Wait, where? Right, Right.

7:40 am Yes Hudson. Check in. Thank you. Here’s the room. Key, doorknob, bed. O hey roommate. Cool, cool. Well bedtime, wake me in 30.

First times are everything. This was no different. The rest of the orientation was amazing. That is for another time though. I still need to catch up on sleep."

It was definitely an adventure. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Marvel

College, is this it? Coked Up Girls and 23 Year Old Lesbians

I don't know what to say to the world today. For the past three days, I felt low energy. I am motivated to relax into my own body. I haven't done anything over the top. No special stories. I feel like I am settling again. I hate that feeling. It is the feeling that I've handed over control to fate. I stab at that feeling with all my might. That feeling is apparently part of human nature, I guess.

And to be fair, the level of energy I've settled at for the past few days isn't that bad. I stil had bursts of energy. At my current energy level, I made a new friend Saturday night while chilling at my dorm. Managed to spend the better part of Sunday night running and laughing around my floor.

My weekend events did not come close to the events my friends in New York and Massachusetts went through. My friend in New York managed to walk into a bathroom where his friends were doing lines of coke. Not the drink, that would just be a serious ass headache. Then he ends up at a girl's house who then procedes to talk on the phone with her ex-boyfriend for 3 hours while my friend sits. Poor fellow. Then at 7 am, after a sleepless night, a coked-up girl offers him sex. He kindly declines.

As for my friend in Massachusetts. He got fucked by a 23 year old lesbian in his hotel room while attending a convention. Need I say more.

One thing I've noticed across the board, there is a general feeling that nothing is being accomplished. College compared to high school is, most of the time, dull. In high school, we go through countless growth processes, phsycially and mentally. There are constant rewards and activities. In college, after all that constant activity of high school, one can be left feeling unfulfilled.

It is a little mind blowing that this semsters ends in merely six weeks. For me, the next two weeks are critical. Political Science paper due in three weeks.

I sometimes wonder what it be like going back home. Being away from home is difficult. It doesn't come from the lack of familar environment but of familar faces and smiles.

This weekend, many of my friends went home. The first time that happened was gruesome. Walking up and down the halls, no one to help distract me from the fact I miss my family and closest friends.

I guess that's why I've kept close to my high school friends. We all relatively deal with the same lost of familar faces and environment.

Simply thanksgiving break can't come soon enough. Though I hope it doesn't come too fast. 5-7 pages of a Poli Sci page doesn't just write itself.

In the end, this whole thing will probably be looked at as something good. The experience of being away from home for so long, 5 months for me now, will have some intrinsic value. Until that time comes, I'll patiently go through each day. One day at a time, dominating the world with a shit-eating grin and striking good looks. It's only fair.

Marvel